Dealing With Toxic People

This is a post I should have put up last week, but I'm hopeful that it will be better to post it late than never.



On 3.18, I preached a sermon called "Giving Up Resentment for Lent" and I got a very nice e-mail response from one of the folks who heard it asking my thoughts about actual tactics for dealing with "toxic" people. By toxic, the writer meant the kind of person that is resentful, negative and generally miserable--and seems determined to make sure you are miserable too. How exactly do you prevent yourself from being resentful towards this kind of person?


I promised to respond via the blog. It just took me a week to get around to it. So, sermon feedback giver--you know who you are--I hope this helps.

A little self-disclosure would be appropriate right about now. Any advice I can give comes out of my own failed experiences of dealing with people like this. In particular, I'm thinking about a co-worker from a past place of employment. Let's call this person "Toxic Person--TP for short."


TP was/is a person that had the amazing and sociopathic ability to be nice to you one minute and horrible the next. The "nice" treatment was so nice that it left me really confused when the horrible treatment occurred. Was this a bad day? Did I do something wrong? Was there something going on with TP that I should know about? Major benefits of the doubt were offered from my end.


TP's negative behavior first showed up when talking about someone else behind their back--usually this came in such a way that made me feel like I was the only one TP was sharing TP's thoughts with. I felt special in that middle school way you feel when you're part of the cool clique. Only later did I realize that I was not particularly special, and TP talked about me behind my back in the same way. It was a common tactic of TP when TP wanted to undermine or settle a score with someone else.



TP and I really crossed swords--metaphorically--when I didn't go along with TP's program--whatever that was. First over little things and then later over larger things--once I began to wise up--TP's need for control of me and really, I guess, everything became pretty obvious to me.



Once I finally realized that I just couldn't trust TP on really any level--emotionally, in regards to work, to keep a confidence, etc.--I noticed a lot of toxic behavior. TP would suck up to all the right people, so that any complaint I might make to somebody who had power over TP would not be believed--I would end up looking like the petty one. TP kept score and never forgot. Things that occurred days, weeks, months--even years earlier would not be forgotten by TP, and you never knew when TP might remind you of it or punish you for it. TP liked to be the center of attention and hated it when other people got rewarded or praised--unless it was TP's idea. TP knew the gossips around the workplace and played them like a fiddle to make TP look good and others bad. TP felt most comfortable complaining and would often complain about something you also disliked in order to get in your good graces or manipulate you.



I came to realize that TP was not only playing by different rules than me, TP was playing a different game altogether. TP was constantly calculating--maybe at a level that TP didn't even realize. There was nothing TP said or did that didn't have some element of manipulation. That sounds extreme, but I really believe it. I even think that TP was often not even aware of TP's mixed motives and deceit.



TP was/is a deeply troubled person.



I didn't deal with TP very well. It took me a long time to stand up to TP in an appropriate way. I reacted to whatever TP did, and eventually I realized that by constantly reacting to TP, I was giving TP power over me. I was an accomplice to my own frustration and hurt feelings.



Looking back now, I realize that much of my problem had to do with power. I felt powerless to stop TP from doing all the really mean things TP did to me and to others. There was no superior or supervisor to report to that would view my complaints as anything more than personal. I felt like there was nothing that I could do besides just be abused by TP on a regular basis.



I realize now that although I could not control TP's behavior, I could control how I reacted to TP's behavior. I had a choice in how I responded. Most of the time I was not successful, but I did have some good days where I was able to have pity if not compassion for TP.

Some things that I tried which worked for me:

• when I realized that I was dwelling on what TP had done to me or someone else--by dwelling I mean not healthy thinking or problem solving but ruminating and storing up bitterness--I stopped it right then and there. I literally had to say to myself, "TP is not worth it. Go do something else with your time." I discovered that even when I wasn't around TP, I was allowing TP to distract me from things far more important and meaningful.


• I found safe people to talk with about TP--people who didn't even know TP, who could offer support and some objectivity. It helped to have my feelings validated and to have my own behavior double-checked.


• I was careful around TP but not paranoid. I realized that the best way I could protect myself was to not give TP any ammunition against me. I didn't retaliate and I didn't disclose anything personal to TP. The added side effect was that this actually ended up bothering TP, because I wasn't giving TP the negative attention TP desired--yes, I said "negative attention." Just like a child, TP took any attention TP could get--positive or negative.


• I was careful not to sit around complaining about TP with other coworkers--not only was there the possibility that some other person would pass on what I said--even unintentionally--to the manipulative TP, but even more importantly, I found sharing my complaints with others who felt the same way quickly devolved from supporting one another to feeding their resentment and mine.


• I laughed. I learned to recognize how ridiculous TP was acting and simply laugh at how god-awful amazing it was at times.


• I prayed for TP--yes, I prayed. There's a good reason why Jesus tells us to pray for our enemies, so that we do not become like them. Many times I wanted to respond to TP in kind and I think my prayers for TP were the only thing that kept me from sinning. My prayer helped me--sometimes not always--to remember that God loves TP. God created TP, so there must be something good inside of TP that I should not lose sight of, even though I had difficulty seeing it at all. Through prayer, I was able, at least once or twice, to feel compassion for TP and to consider how awful it must be for TP to spend TP's life being such a miserable person.

In this Lenten season as we consider Jesus' example of responding to hatred and betrayal, I think it is good for us to realize that Jesus chose how he would respond and he remained in control of himself no matter what others did to him. Christians often get the idea that Jesus' example is for us to just be lumps that allow others to make us victims. Instead, I think Jesus offers us an example of how to act rather than react to toxic and hurtful people.

Jesus chose to undergo his suffering. He did so for a higher purpose of demonstrating God's love. He did not do so, because he was a wimp or because it is virtuous to suffer in and of itself. What Jesus did when he went to the cross is different from say...a woman remaining with a guy who beats her. What Jesus did is different from say...continuing to let a "friend" manipulate you. What Jesus did is different from say...reaching in the same manner in which you have been treated by a toxic person.

Jesus shows us that we can choose how we act and we do not have to constantly be reaching to a toxic person. We can choose to respond with love without condoning negative behavior. We can love someone without liking them. I also have to believe--even though I'm not very good at this--that we can forgive someone without having to pretend that things are suddenly okay between us and toxic people. I don't believe in the idea of "forgive and forget." There is a way to forgive and to continue to protect yourself from being hurt without holding on to resentment and bitterness.

I have no easy steps on how to get there, but I do believe it comes about somehow through God's grace. It comes about by saying and really believing that toxic people are not worth obsessing over. Life is better spent thinking about bigger things--important things--rather than being sucked in to the small behavior of small people.

Grace and Peace,

Chase